Self-Harm: An Untold Truth.
One of the most prominent moments in my life should have been a positive, nostalgic memory that I could have cherished. This memory involved a bed, an idea of a bed should be comforting; with the emotion of home, safety, and peace. However, what I have experienced, it became a crying symbol of what had been done in the past.
Lying on my back, my vision stirred as it surged through my veins and senses; all I could recall are my thoughts that spurred through my mind – both equally as faded as I felt the last bit of my dignity fade away. Movements passed like cold wind, my skin stuck to the material of the mattress as I felt my soul ache for a better way of relief. Nothing hurt, nothing cried, nothing was done. I allowed the actions brought to myself to occur, to hit me in the most sensitive places that nobody would have considered harming–especially in the state of depression.
What I did to myself relentlessly, from time to time was a result of my unending desire to feel pain, humiliation, and somehow mercy. This constant cycle to keep fulfilling a ripped hole was never-ending. I cried, I ached, I suffered in silence as I allowed my body to become susceptible to predators that had a taste for sorrowful prey. Looking back to my past actions, I never took it as a plea for help. I took it in a way where I felt like I deserved to be harmed, to be broken, to be left unnoticeable marks that only I can describe in order to show my pain. Until word had spread I had come to realize it was much more than self-destruction, but it had finally become my plea for help.
Many of us fail to recognize the other forms of self-harm when it comes to our modern society. Society and the media had planted an image that self-harm looked like physical harm–through cutting, using pills, purposely harming themselves in a way that was easiest. However, when it comes to dealing with a past filled with hardships, such as mine, it is hard to seek help–or to find someone to talk about it. Even today, scrolling through the various google pages, not a lot of information is shared about the different kinds of self harm that every person experiences differently. I have taken the initiative to seek out professional help, which was my only resort since my experience was ultimately unique; however even with professional help, it still felt miserable to live through an experience that I knew would be difficult to live with.
Eventually, as I persevered through my journey, I managed to find activities and people to conform with.
In this blog, not only did I want to share my experience but also list some ways that could also help you as well.
Adopting a Belief System: First and foremost, I am not encouraging you to find a religion–but if you are a believer in a religion, I found it most helpful to look into it for advice. Coming from an evangelical christian background, I grew to become avoidant of it. However I approached it in a way to search for answers, and eventually peace. This is not an easy journey but it has helped me heal from the guilt I held for the longest time.,
Peace: I spent a lot of time searching for peace, whether that’d be spending time alone in my bedroom for hours (whilst reminding myself to go outside and get some fresh air), or going on walks outside, or even doing things alone such as shopping or going to cities. I found a lot of myself in the nature around me, allowing myself space to think freely which had helped me heal a little better. Finding or resorting back to a method that gives you the most peace is something I would recommend, which I find more effective as your mind and body knows where it can function best.
Space for grieving: Having pent up emotions typically becomes a coping mechanism that can potentially make things harder to cope with. I learned through crucial moments that having these feelings kept away worsened the way I felt about myself and what I did to harm myself. I began to allow myself to feel, to cry, to scream, to fully succumb to these heightened emotions. By doing this, it felt like I unloaded a lot of feelings I had either kept away or forgotten about.
Building the courage to be yourself: After experiencing terrible pain, it became hard to be myself–sometimes I felt like I couldn’t ever be myself from the way I went about things. It took an incredibly large amount of time to eventually grow to feel confident about myself. I dove into activities I found joy in, joined particular clubs that I wasn’t originally interested in, I did a lot of new activities that helped me grow to become confident within myself. Finding new activities, people, trends, or whatever piques your interest has helped me become more comfortable with myself, it helped me recognize my self worth.
Seeking help: I am sure this tip seems a bit off-putting but I can assure you–finding some professional help from a therapist or even a person you’re close to can further help you cope or open up about what’s harmed you the most. Now, it is understandable that opening up to people is intimidating and anticipating negative feedback is a common worry. Do not push yourself to try to talk, instead give yourself time and an appropriate place to do so. Better outcomes come from better settings and timing. Do everything that you believe you need to do for yourself.
These are just a few tips I have personally gone through and done, now not every tip will help everyone and these are always open for change and adjustments–however much that needs to be changed that better suits you and your needs. It takes time to realize what works and what doesn’t but ultimately dealing with an unfamiliar situation never has a direct solution to learning how to cope.
